While there are no set rules, there are times when you need to step away from the keyboard to keep relationships intact, writes business consultant and life coach Margie Warrell
1. When you’re criticising
Delivering criticism in a way others can take on board isn’t easy. Using email in this context increases the difficulty. Sitting behind your computerscreen, unable to see someone’s emotional reaction, can give you a false sense of bravado that desensitises you to how they’re really feeling. All the while, your written words strip what you say of nuance and emotional tone. While criticising someone via email may be less confronting for you, it leaves you open to causing injury to your relationship, which will take longer to repair than any time saved with a quick email. Providing feedback in person enables you to read visual cues, tread gently, clarify misunderstandings and address issues immediately as they arise.
2. When there’s a good chance of being misunderstood
While a masterful poet may be able to convey emotion accurately through the written word, the rest of us tend to do a less proficient job, and the emotion we want to convey gets lost in translation. The source of the problem deals directly with emotion but the emotion you’re writing with, and the one being read with, can be starkly different. As soon as you begin using text phrases to characterise emotion that would normally be delivered with vocal intonation, subtle nuances, facial expressionsand body language, your message can be completely misconstrued. If the person you’re writing to is particularly sensitive about an issue, they’re even more likely to put a negative spin on your words. You can spare yourself the damage control by taking extra time up-front to pick up the phone or meet in person to ensure they receive your message in the most positive way.
3. When you’re breaking a commitment
If you have to bow out of a commitment such as dinner arrangements orgoing on a holiday with someone, making a call can simply be an act of courtesy that shows you respect the dignity of the other person. Even if you’re no longer able (or don’t want to) hang out with them. And, needless to say, if you’re ending a relationship, much less a marriage, have the guts to say it, not send it.
4. When you’re apologising
For this to hold any water, the person you’re making it to needs to feel your sincerity. Apologising via text may be fine if you forgot to drop off the dry-cleaning, but it can show a lack of genuine remorse for almost anything else. Picking up the phone or saying sorry in person also provides the opportunity to ask for forgiveness, see if there’s anythingyou can do to make amends and restore any ill feeling that may be festering in the relationship.
5. When you’re angry
Sending an email to someone when you’re raging mad is almost guaranteed not to end well. I have a “sleep on it” rule myself. While I may compose an email just to have a good vent, I never even type the name of the recipient lest I accidentally press “send”. Instead, I file it as a draft and either sleep on it or give myself at least two hours to cool my jets before rewriting and pressing send. Without exception, I always soften my tone, include more pleasantries and remove the heated language that’s guaranteed to raise defences.