Is the cheating party always the one to blame?

Alice called Ralph a "disgusting human being" and sent him to see me. Ralph had cheated on her.
But the situation was more complicated than that.
It had all started when Ralph suffered some business failures. Alice was accustomed to her lifestyle and insisted that Ralph buy another business. Ralph bought a roofing business in the country, seven hours away, with an apartment above the office. He went home on weekends. Since their financial troubles, Alice had lost all sexual interest in Ralph. His weekends at home were as bleak as his lonely life in the country.
He began spending week-night evenings at the country pub. Frances, the local vet, was single. One night she asked Ralph to dinner and it evolved into a one-night stand, which Ralph immediately regretted.
Within a year, his finances had improved. After a lovely Saturday night out with Alice, Ralph made a sexual advance. Alice knocked him back and asked if he had had any other women in the country. Ralph confessed, telling her it was a mistake and had only happened once, that he was ashamed, it would never happen again and had only made him realise how much he loved her.
He began spending week-night evenings at the country pub. Frances, the local vet, was single. One night she asked Ralph to dinner and it evolved into a one-night stand, which Ralph immediately regretted.
Within a year, his finances had improved. After a lovely Saturday night out with Alice, Ralph made a sexual advance. Alice knocked him back and asked if he had had any other women in the country. Ralph confessed, telling her it was a mistake and had only happened once, that he was ashamed, it would never happen again and had only made him realise how much he loved her.
This started Alice's unrelenting campaign of keeping Ralph in the dog box. She didn't want a divorce, but she refused to forgive him and refused to go to therapy. She insisted that Ralph was the guilty party.
Ralph agreed that she was right and he was wrong. But where do you go from there? Alice seemed to want to stand still and was using the affair as an excuse to never have sex, intimacy or even friendship with Ralph ever again.
Ralph agreed that she was right and he was wrong. But where do you go from there? Alice seemed to want to stand still and was using the affair as an excuse to never have sex, intimacy or even friendship with Ralph ever again.
This is not on. There are three choices: Alice must either decide that she can forgive Ralph and move on. Or, if she knows she is incapable of doing this, she must let him go. The third option is that if Ralph knows that she's never going to let him in, he's got to get out.
There's a saying: "Who is more guilty, the man who has the affair or the woman who forces him to?" The answer is neither. Deal-breaking issues should be resolved before an affair even happens.
When it's over
Breaking up is hard to do. Feel free to sob into your soup. Lead an indulgent life: good wine, sad books and movies. Cry a lot. Then take a deep breath and jump back in, knowing the cost of love, trust, surrender, vulnerability ... and do it anyway.