Toby Green examines why men often come to the defense of the 'other woman'.
I found out that my husband has been having an affair for the past three years. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he gets very defensive of the other woman and says her past husband was an alcoholic who hit her, blamed her for not having children and was mean with money. My husband says she is a lovely shy woman who just happened to end up with the wrong man. He says he doesn't want to leave me, but just give this other woman something positive in her life.
Wives are always stunned and hurt by the fact that even though the husband wants to come back to the marriage, he is still defensive about the other woman: "She did nothing wrong; it was all my fault. And after all, you've won. She's lost."
The reason they defend the mistress is because most mistresses have a victim mentality. Their mantra is: "Men will tell you they love you and do anything for you, but they always let you down and hurt you in the end." By rejecting her, he becomes the bastard she predicted he would be and he hates to see himself like that. That's her hook.
Adultery is common and 85 per cent of the adultery cases I (and other therapists) have dealt with end with the couple saying it was the best thing that ever happened to their marriage. The reasons men go back to their wives are numerous. In addition to thoughts of home, hearth, history, extended family and future grandchildren, there are issues of empire splitting and child support.
I'm not defending all wives, but if there are issues the husband is unhappy with, he should have the courage to speak up and end the relationship.
At any rate, therapy for both of you is a lot cheaper than divorce and less damaging on children.
As for his mistress, she managed to pull a man away from his family. But she shouldn't settle for a slice of pie when there are whole pies going.
Married men who don't know what commitment means are available, but the odds are your husband won't make a commitment to you either. Get some therapy, get entitlement. You deserve better.
Wives are always stunned and hurt by the fact that even though the husband wants to come back to the marriage, he is still defensive about the other woman: "She did nothing wrong; it was all my fault. And after all, you've won. She's lost."
The reason they defend the mistress is because most mistresses have a victim mentality. Their mantra is: "Men will tell you they love you and do anything for you, but they always let you down and hurt you in the end." By rejecting her, he becomes the bastard she predicted he would be and he hates to see himself like that. That's her hook.
Adultery is common and 85 per cent of the adultery cases I (and other therapists) have dealt with end with the couple saying it was the best thing that ever happened to their marriage. The reasons men go back to their wives are numerous. In addition to thoughts of home, hearth, history, extended family and future grandchildren, there are issues of empire splitting and child support.
I'm not defending all wives, but if there are issues the husband is unhappy with, he should have the courage to speak up and end the relationship.
At any rate, therapy for both of you is a lot cheaper than divorce and less damaging on children.
As for his mistress, she managed to pull a man away from his family. But she shouldn't settle for a slice of pie when there are whole pies going.
Married men who don't know what commitment means are available, but the odds are your husband won't make a commitment to you either. Get some therapy, get entitlement. You deserve better.